📖 Pre-launch: The book drops soon — get on the list for an advance copy + free printables.
Coming Soon · Pre-Launch List Open

Hi sugar —
ready to stay
upright with style?

Gertie's Guide to Not Eating Linoleum is a sassy senior's guide to staying steady — practical fall-prevention wisdom with leopard print, lipstick, and zero boring medical mumbo jumbo.

Be one of Gertie's first readers. Get a free printable Emergency Bingo card today, and a holler when the book drops.

Get the Free Printable Peek Inside the Book
Because gravity is rude... but we're smarter.
Gertie standing confidently in her leopard-print outfit, holding her 'I'm not old, I'm a classic' mug and her quad cane. Gertie's Guide to Not Eating Linoleum — book cover See the book
About the Book

Because gravity doesn't respect its elders.

Getting older doesn't mean giving up your sass — it means learning how to stay steady while you keep it.

Inside this guide, Gertie serves up practical fall-prevention tips with leopard print, lipstick, and just enough attitude to make safety feel a little less boring.

From safer shoes and better lighting to assistive devices, strength and balance habits, and home-safety checklists, this book keeps the advice useful, simple, and surprisingly fun.

Inside you'll find

  • Simple fall-prevention tips
  • Strength and balance reminders
  • Home safety checklists
  • Assistive device wisdom
  • Gertie-approved sass
Yes, it's fall prevention. Top-notch, evidence-based stuff from the experts. I just added the sass so you won't fall asleep before you fall down. Gertie
Gertie reading a copy of Gertie's Guide to Not Eating Linoleum, smiling at her own book.
"...and then she pours her own coffee. Just adorable." — Queenie
Free Printables

Start Here, Sugar

A taste of what's in the book. Sign up below to grab the printable versions free.

Emergency Bingo

A quick fall-readiness checklist. Tape it to the fridge.

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Home Safety Check

Room-by-room fall-prevention reminders.

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PT or Doctor Questions

Bring your best questions to every appointment.

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More Notes

A simple page for reminders, ideas, and shopping lists.

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Tap any printable to grab the bundle below — free with the pre-launch list.

Gertie sitting beside Queenie, her cream-colored cat with a leopard-print collar.
Meet the Crew

This is Gertie.
And her cat, Queenie.

They're not your typical fall-prevention duo. But they get the job done.

Gertie is a leopard-print, lipstick-and-attitude grandmother who travels with a quad cane and a passionate dislike of throw rugs. She doesn't think aging means surrendering your style. She thinks it means doubling down on it — with a little better lighting.

Queenie is the cat. She mostly judges.

About the author: Gertie's Guide was written by Ima Stumblemore — a pen name for the small team behind Gertie Press. The book delivers practical fall-prevention guidance grounded in widely accepted, evidence-based principles, dressed up in Gertie's signature sass.
Gertie pointing at her favorite tools.
Helpful Tools

Things Gertie Likes

Only use what fits your needs and your clinician's advice. Some links may be affiliate links.

Reacher / Grabber

Pick things up safely without bending or reaching.

Motion-Sensor Night Light

Light up your steps — hands free.

Non-Slip Shoes

Steady steps start with good grip.

Shower Chair

A little support makes a big difference.

Product picks coming soon. As an Amazon Associate we may earn from qualifying purchases.

PT, OT, nurse, or care professional? We've got a page for you — bulk pricing, evidence base, and a free advance copy.